|
|
|
June 12th, 2006
06:42 pm - I Feel Rivers Overflowing
So this might not be something new, but I'm really bored lately. I stopped partying, and I'll be damned if I'm bored out of my skull.
I really can't live a normal existence. Some people might ask, "what is normal?"
I'll tell you: It's waking up, then going to work, then going home, then having dinner, then perhaps doing something to unwind, then going to sleep and then doing it all over again.
I can't do it. I swear to God I can't do it.
Oh fuck. I'm missing Game 4. I think it's a bloody miracle that the Oilers have made it this far in the playoffs.
Anyway, just to update: things at the Farside are going fine. I have had a wonderful time serving all these wonderful men (yeah I've doted on a few of them, but whatever).
Hey I gotta roll. See ya.
Current Location: Liberry Information Common, Red Deer College
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/blah.gif) okay
Current Music: Hard To Handle - The Black Crowes
|
April 20th, 2006
04:04 pm - Alcohol Out. Weed In?
It's been quite a while since I've had the time to write in my blog. But here I am.
Things have been going along swimmingly. I suppose. I'm finishing up exams and staying sober. It's been lovely.
Except for the time when I got wasted for the last day of classes and tried to molest a male coworker. I was so humiliated that I almost moved home over the whole thing. But I ended up just getting over it and sticking around.
I have an exam tonight, which I don't think I'm ready for, then I'm going out with a bunch of people to celebrate... Thursday? I'm not exactly sure. But I want to exercise some restraint, because I've realized that I can't be 30 and still drinking like a teenager.
Man, I can't believe I'm 24. Those numbers always seem way off when you're busy living. Then, bam! It hits you. I sure feel it in my back, that's for sure. I don't know if I just never treated it right, but it feels fucked these days. Could have been that week I spent sleeping on my sister's couch watching tv. lol And smoking weed.
Oh yeah, that was supposed to be my new thing. I forsook (yeah, that's proper english) alcohol and tried to take up weed, but I couldn't do it. I once told my friend Justin that I just couldn't smoke that shit and that still holds true. I just can't smoke it. And when I do it properly, it just makes me feel tired. The first day I went to visit back home, I fell asleep at 5:30pm and woke up at 11am the next day. Does something sound wrong there? Yeah, I thought so too.
Not only does it fack me up, but I don't trip like other people do. I mostly just burn out or zone out, but I never hallucinate like other people do. I was ripped off.
We were driving and smoking weed in the country (Me, Auntie Bea and Unkle Emery (that's my sister and her man)), and drove through this massive dip in the road (it was like sudden 12 foot drop), and they were like 'WHOA!,' and I was like, 'whoa.' :|. I just didn't feel freaked out or anything. I think that people are supposed to have some kind of frantic reaction to things like that. I just didn't care that much.
So anyway, my pothead days are over. I think it lasted about 3 days. lol But seriously, I just can't do it. But my quest to find a replacement for alcohol continues.
Current Mood: Alright
Current Music: Say You Will - Fleetwood Mac
|
February 24th, 2006
12:10 am - Fack!
So, it's midnight. I'm really fucking stressed out, and I'm just wondering what my options are for school right now.
I'm not totally bombing anything as of yet, but it's getting pretty damn close. I have a paper, which is supposed to be no more than 15 pages (yeah right) due next friday, and I haven't finished my reading yet. I feel like that's not gonna happen.
I have a paper that was due in January (time flies when you're having rum), and I'm having a fucking hard time finishing that shit. I started reading my stuff a hell of a long time ago, and I've concluded that I just don't know how to write a paper, without taking a fucking century to write it.
I have a few papers coming up, and I just can't stand this shit anymore.
So I have a plan. Instead of dropping out of school and completely losing my funding, I'll just drop Tobias' class and then retain what little of my sanity is left. It all works out for the best. I don't go apeshit, the band still gives me money, and nobody gets hurt.
The only problem with this plan (maybe you knew that was coming) is that I won't be a full time student, and my band only funds full time students. But I think I've already decided in my head that I'm going to take a risk and hope that the band won't find out. Then next year, I'll either take a break (this is really driving me insane), or just do one class or something. I've been at this for a while, and I need a mental holiday.
So there you go. I hate to say this, because it's so hackneyed, but catharsis is good.
I just realized something. Maybe I'm not ready to take my education to the next level. I've been hitting a wall for a few years now. I'll keep my fingers crossed and hope that this is just a little lesson for me to take it slow and not try to do it all at once.
Wish me luck.
|
February 18th, 2006
03:26 am - HOLY FUCKING GOD!!!!
OH my god.
I just had one of the craziest nights ever.
I was supposed to meet a friend of mine (who is in the social work program at RDC) for this fundraiser that their society was having. I ended up getting drunk, and I hung out with this guy Patrick (Ruple... sp?) for a few hours.
Long story short, we ended up holding hands and hugging, and I think that I really like him so far.
It's wierd, I've only talked to him maybe a few times, and he's shyed away from me. So I stopped talking to him.
But today I ended up sitting with Rob (I have a class with him) and his friends, and Patrick was sitting there. So when I sat down, we started talking. But we ended up hanging out with each other from about 6pm to maybe 11:30pm, when Charmaine picked us up from the college with her boyfriend James.
We just ended up watching people around us. We talked a lot, but I felt really comfortable just being quiet and watching the hustle and bustle around us. We commented on a lot, but it was so nice to just sit there with somebody who appreciated silence as much as I do. It felt so nice, I can't tell you.
I guess what really intrigues me is that he's quiet like me. When I really like someone, I hardly ever show it. I get really insecure, and I hide it. I hide it as long as possible. Sometimes, that's as long as I know the person.
And I've talked with him before, but we've always stopped talking. We don't really acknowledge each other, except when he orders a poutine or a cheeseburger. Which, I happily accept! lol
I don't really know what's gonna happen. I'm perfectly aware of the possibility that once we see each other sober, we'll be like, avoiding each other, but it's okay. I guess I'll have to recognize the reality of things, and grow up some time.
Guess we'll see how it goes.
|
February 14th, 2006
04:13 pm - Best Weekend Ever!
I'm still dancing to the songs I heard.
I decided a few weeks ago that I would go and visit my friend Justin last friday (which almost didn't happen... damned sisters).
Note: Songs to download
Coheed and Cambria - Blood Red Summer
Dolly Parton 9 to 5
Scissor Sisters - Take Your Mama Out
Depeche Mode - Enjoy the Silence
Goo Goo Dolls - Give A Little Bit
The weekend basically consisted of getting off the bus, drinking, eating a muffin here and there, and getting back on the bus. I had such a blast. All we did was drink, watch a movie, socialize with people like BJ, John, Steve, Belinda, Darren, Alan, Gary, Char Carey (love that kid), and probably a whole bunch of others. I got pretty hammered the first night.
Oh I forgot to mention Joe. That's Justin's awesome roommate-extraordinaire.
And I must mention, if you're in Calgary, you have to check out the Ship & Anchor. And the Texas Lounge.
Anywho, I have to roll. But before I go I just have to give a shout out to my buddy Justin. Good times.
Caio!
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/smile.gif) content
|
February 8th, 2006
11:43 pm - "Always look on the bright side of life"
Oh, you're fucking kidding me!
I just wrote out this huge entry, and there it ain't. Don't you hate it when you do that?
Anyway, I basically said that life is boring for me right now. I'm not close with Charmaine anymore, which is a good and a bad thing. Our values are so different, but I'm pretty bored with myself.
How does that happen? I'm so bored being by myself that I hate it. I don't look forward to coming home b/c it sucks here. It's like I'm by myself all the time.
I think I've just become disillusioned with the wonder in myself.
Which is alright. I can't always be in love with myself.
It's like I went from preferring to be alone all the time to not wanting to be alone at all. Which is why being in Elk Point nearly killed me. I never used to be this way about spending time alone.
I'm so looking forward to visiting Justin in Calgary this weekend. We're going to the Ship & Anchor, and I'm going in my loveliest dress. So that will be a nice treat. As well, I get to see Char Carey, my guardian angel from my stint in Elk Point. She's meeting us at the Ship & Anchor on saturday. Oh, I can't wait. It's gonna be fucking awesome.
Anyway, here I go on my little journey. To obtain something significant in my life.
I think a part of me misses what I used to have. I once had something wonderful in my life. I had a sense of wonder, I had love and affection, and I had my Mosom. I had some groundedness.
If my old lot, sitting woman, had any bearing on my future life, I really wish for that to be actualized now. Because I find that without any source of ideological providence, I become more and more alienated from my life. And it sucks.
So, here goes nothin.
|
January 16th, 2006
12:38 am - I'm hung up on you
So here I am. Sitting up late. It's monday morning before 1am and I can't sleep.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I want to get over that shit with Jeff already.
I was thinking about how Doug and I are friends now. We don't chat all the time or anything, but it's been long enough that he and I are friendly and there's no hard feelings between us.
I guess what makes me say this about Jeff is that I keep seeing him all the time now at the college. And all this crap happened months ago now, and I've spent time being mad at him. All I want is to move on.
I truly appreciate that Doug and I are friends now.
I also appreciate that I've learned shit about myself through all of this. I've learned that I don't really have a great outlook on life, but I still want to live. I don't really believe in God or anything. I love being the centre of attention in a good way. I love being good to people, and spending time with them, but I don't really empathize with them all that well.
I also cling to people and I often play a subordinate role. I align my values with other peoples values, mostly at the cost of my own.
Anyway, back to the point. I want to let this go already. I know he has. Which is great. But I want it for myself.
Caio, babies. lol
Oh yeah, I want to give a shout out to my sister's baby Avery. She had open heart surgery when she was born and they weren't sure she would make it. She turned 1 on Friday. Her little heart took a lickin but kept on tickin. That's my girl.
Current Mood: Who Knows
Current Music: Madonna - Hung Up
|
January 10th, 2006
06:43 am - Wierdness, Indeed.
I just woke up 15 minutes ago, and I had some freaky ass dreams (I just had a thought... am I going to talk like this when i'm 60?). The first part saw me holding on to some kind of bar lifting me over wetaskiwin and flying to this beautiful island area. I saw a few islands and it was some of most beautiful things I've seen in dreams. The water was clear and clean and I could see the light reflecting from the ripples. The islands were green and full of life.
I found myself going somewhere with a bunch of people. Like on a trip.
Then later on in my dream I found myself walking in this town. Then I saw someone who was Jeff (but different... not really him) with his best friend. We walked past each other, then we ended up both looking at each other. I sat down on a door step, then he came up and talked to me. He said something about me looking good. And we were flirting. I felt a mega attraction to him. Then we ended up spending what seemed like only moments together. Then he was gone from my life again. I couldn't find him no matter where I looked.
And in the end, I ended up being with a woman. She was beautiful, but I ended up looking for him still. I was looking around in a shop, and I carved a word in broken glass. I wish I remember what it was, but I can't.
Then I woke up. At six-thirty again.
Crazy shit huh?
|
January 8th, 2006
03:25 am - I thought this was really funny...
Oh hey pfefferneusse, I borrowed your quiz idea. This one made me laugh.
|
02:31 am - You're Going To Be A Lady Some Day
I can't sleep.
So I decided I would tell you my thoughts on the upcoming election. Or at least, the effects of the governing powers perpetuating a system in need of structural changes.
I'm a native girl. I'm sure you know that by now.
I really hate this relationship that Canada has with it's first nations groups. For myself, I don't really want us to be seen as any better, or have any more privileges, than anyone else. I want equality. I want to be able to someday see a native leader at the top or at least the possibility for one to come into power.
By keeping our first nations people on reserves and giving them marginal positions in society, we keep them in a position to be ignorant of how the rest of the country operates. I don't ask for assimilation, I just ask for the possibility that first nations people be allowed the same opportunities to prosper, but also to retain as much of their culture as possible.
That's such a fucking hard problem to solve, but time will provide us with different possibilities.
I guess my real thoughts on the upcoming federal election are such as this: we need to vote. If we really would like to see changes, we have to put our two cents in. Sometimes, our vote doesn't amount to much, especially when we would truly like to see the underdogs win, but it is a childish notion to want only immediate change, or attempt for none at all. So it takes time to change things. It's true: the liberals have been in power, in some form or another, since the late 1890s, but, and I can say this seriously, it's hardly any reason to feel alienated from the election process. It takes a lot of burning (figuratively of course... don't go burning any candidate's houses) to change things. And if you do nothing, nothing will change. Simple as that. So what we fail sometimes. If we won all the time, we'd shoot ourselves. Because there would be nothing to learn and nothing to aim for.
Vote. Your future and your children's future depends on it.
Current Mood: determined
|
December 16th, 2005
10:12 pm - "I'm not big on social graces"
Today was my last shift at the Farside for the semester.
My week was good. I hung out with Charmaine on sunday, monday and tuesday. I did my exam for sociology 261, then we painted until 2 in the AM that very same day, then we went out to Bellini's on tuesday evening. We partied with Cam, James and Kerry. It was really cool painting on monday. I painted my future 'estate' with a landscaped garden, stone path and everything.
I used acrylic paints and I really loved it. My friend Charmaine said that I was getting excited when I mixed the paints and I think I really like it. It's really fun.
On tuesday I met a few people from the ceramics program that's going on right now at the college, and some dude ordered fries with eggs on top. Some kind of Australian thing I think. Or maybe he just liked it. I don't know.
I really like my job. I love meeting new people all the time. It helps me be more comfortable interacting with new people. Sometimes you ask a question, people open up. Other times you just find them interesting.
Anyway, it was my last shift for the year. I have no idea what to expect for next semester.
I need to fucking graduate. I'm 24 and I'm not even half way done my fucking first degree. That's it. I'm doing it, I don't care how tough it is. I gotta get my ass out of college.
|
December 12th, 2005
12:19 am - I don't feel crazy today. Yay!
Oh boy.
Things are finally starting to wind down, and get back to normal. I don't think I've established what normality is for me though.
I hate being at home, I hate being alone at home, and I hate cooking and cleaning up at home, and you know what? I hate doing laundry at home too!
Some shit, eh?
I don't know what to do about this little problem about balancing out my life. That's a big thing to ask a person. But, I hate to say it, that's life.
I like to be accepting.
I also like to think way too much. I hate it, because I never enjoy myself. I don't know what life is for, and it drives me crazy.
Sometimes I'm okay, but sometimes I need to know.
I had a chat with Charmaine today (we basically hung out all day), and she said that I need to get over Jeff and tell her about it when I do.
Really, I just want to get on with my life. I am almost always in a constant state of dissonance, and I hate it. I hate that human life is strange and confusing, and I hate how I never really know anything.
I really like my babies (my nephews and nieces), and I really love my daddy, but I really want answers to other stuff. Like, why do we stake our happiness on romantic relationships? It drives me fucking nuts. There is nothing familiar, because it's all a dream. At least, it feels like a dream. My memory fades, and my painful memories are nothing but a stain on my... memory.
So where are we? Can somebody tell me? Lie to me if you like, I don't care. I trust my own discernment to lead me to the right place.
It's wierd. I know all this stuff about myself, but it doesn't matter to me unless I know why I am why I am and why I'm here like this. Like, who cares if I'm an over-thinker? What does it matter if I'm deeply spiritual and my dreams tell me things? I mean, it's all cool, it really is, but what does it matter if I don't see why these things ARE, you know?
I have a lot of fricking questions, and I'll be damned if I won't be getting some answers around here.
Sometimes, I see that my life has a pattern, and I see how things work in my favour sometimes, and I believe in divine intervention, but what is divine? What is at work here, guiding my life? Is my life even being guided? I'm really confused.
I just really wish for love. It sounds like a stupid solution to something that really has to do with these abstract philosophical questions, but that's the only solution I see right now. At least it would make me feel good while I'm here. And sex would be good.
Something, anything, I need to know how alive I am! I don't care if I get a fucking hernia to know it, I just need something to know that this isn't a fucking waste of a dream. I want to get to nirvana, I want to learn my language and cross that river, I want to be in celestial heaven, I want anything, I don't give a shit.
I just don't want to be sleeping here anymore. What's a human to do?
|
December 8th, 2005
11:44 pm - One foot in the grave, that's what it is...
I absolutely do not know what I feel right now.
I had a few crazy weeks full of drinking and staying out late and being gone for days, and now I've ended that little jaunt out of reality and planted myself firmly into the cold darkness that is me. Me, myself, and all the sick black nightmares that I keep avoiding.
I keep myself busy all the time, away from home, working, avoiding school work, drinking and all that fun stuff. I am trying to keep running from myself, and I don't really know what I'm running from.
I went drinking this week, and stayed in edmonton for a day and a half, and I decided that I don't want to live a life that's not real. I don't face that frightful abyss that lives inside of my mind.
So what do I do? I don't know. I keep thinking of better ways to love myself, and be myself, and take care of my interests at any given moment, and it's never enough. I'm like a bottomless pit of deep darkness, but covered up and unaware of myself. I hate coming home at night. I hate sleeping in my bed after weeks and weeks of sleeping in it. I come to hate the mundane, I come to hate the routine that's supposed to fill up my life. I hate being home when I can be living it up somewhere else with other people.
I came home today because I was afraid to lose myself out there. I went home last weekend because I didn't want to lose myself in Red Deer. But it doesn't matter where I go, it all fucking sucks. I'm never happy, I'm always just running from something. Is that what my life has become? Being displaced from my fears? Being displaced from myself?
What is reality? Am I living it, or am I just fucking with it?
I was dressed up beautifully today, and I felt great. I felt beautiful, which I rarely ever feel. I felt very confident, and I felt better able to talk to people.
I have good days. Sometimes, I feel good. But I need more. That is really the point here. I have to face that which scares me. And I don't even know what it is.
But here it goes.
|
November 27th, 2005
10:53 pm
So I wrote 3 pages of my paper. Isn't that fucking awesome? I still have to write 2 more sections but it's almost time for bed. I had a quiet weekend, but that's how she goes sometimes.
I had a sleepover with my friend Corey. Yes, he slept in my bed, and woke up in my clothes, but I also slept on the couch. We watched Conan the Barbarian on space (I think it was Conan the Barbarian) and fell asleep before midnight. We also rented Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (which isn't as good as the first one I must admit) and went to purchase some groceries.
I haven't gone to the grocery store since mid October I think. It's been a while. I bought a bunch of canned stuff, since I hate cooking with a passion.
I don't know what happened to that sweet young Kimberly that liked to stay home, cook and clean and looked well on her way to becoming a wife and mother. I guess she's gone, because I don't know her anymore.
I'm a little concerned about my hatred for cooking and cleaning. To me it feels as if my lifestyle is encouraging me to take on that capitalist lifestyle, where my time is too precious to do my own work, and I pay other people low prices to do it for me.
I've been taking a lot of sociology this semester. I've also considered boycotting Wal-mart for the same reasons. They exploit workers. They don't pay them their full worth, which is why the low prices! Wal-mart is evil!
Anyway, I miss my Dad again. I want to go see my Daddy.
Anyway, I should probably be heading to my pre-bed activities (ie. TV). I know I said TV is evil (yeah, and Wal-mart too), but it helps me shut my brain off before bed. Anyway, cheerio.
Current Music: Todd Rundgren - Bang On The Drum All Day
|
November 26th, 2005
01:12 pm - Hot child in the city...
I can't believe it, I only have like a week and a half of classes left for the semester. I can't wait until I have this stupid sociology paper done and my chapters read for the exams that I've yet to write.
Not only that, but I can't believe the insanity that has been this semester. I kinda got over the class with Jeff, but other shit has happened since then.
I saw my dad a few times, I had a lot of alcohol and I nearly lost my grip on reality. What day is it again?
There's only so much a person can take, but then there's hard drugs.
But on a lighter note: the alcohol has turned my brain to mush. I have a ghost writer working for me (say hello to Jose).
I keep eating ice too. It's a nervous habit, and I'm not sure, but it's kind of possible that it's worsened the chip in my tooth. Not to mention it serves as a continual distraction. I like to eat it when I'm doing work and I just get up to get a whole bucket of the stuff sometimes. What a bloody shame.
I really don't know what I'm saying. This entry has become full of shit. lol Officially, this entry is full of shit.
God I don't want to do this fucking paper! I say fuck papers, fuck sociology and fuck the written word! When I'm old, I'm not going to read, I'm not going to write, and I'm not going to like anybody. I'm going to harass your children and tell them that they look stupid in their clothes and that they're stupid too. I'm gonna be so bitter that I'm going to make the world pay for the injustices that it's caused me. That's right, I'm going to drain the social system for all it's worth, then maybe they'll smother me early so I don't become a burden like old people are today.
Which is complete bullshit as well because what the hell is happening to our care for our elders. Maybe we've become too dependent on data and modern interpretations. Our old people become obsolete and so will we. God bless technology and the enlightenment. Bring back the Luddites!
HOly hell batman. It's time to go. I really enjoyed wasting my time on the internet, but I gotta scram (that's so old school). If I don't do my paper I'm gonna be living on the streets doing unmentionable stuff for a dollar. And we can't have that, can we children?
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/wink.gif) crazy
Current Music: None
|
November 8th, 2005
06:25 pm - La Dee Da...
So here I am. Again.
I can't believe how much I've taken on this semester. I'm part of three societies (although I'm only on the executive for one), I have a part time job AND I'm in school full time (yeah I only have 3 classes, but it all adds up, ya hear?!
So yeah, that's how that part of my life is going.
Yet another thing that's not so peachy about it is that my dad is pretty damn sick lately. I was actually afraid that I might lose him. We almost lost him this summer, and that's some freaky shit. I'm not as earnest as I usually am, but I gotta be silly or I'm gonna lose it.
I wasn't getting along with my friend Charmaine for a while either, and that wasn't fun. I've never had an argument with a friend, and I can't even tell you that I've had an argument with my older brother either. I hate contention. It blows.
Anyway, I have to be studying for an exam that I have on Thursday (my birthday - I'll be 24 dammit). I'm supposed to go home to my dad, but there's so much going on on thursday that I'm not quite sure yet. We'll have to see how that goes.
Peace out. lol
Current Mood: kinda tired
Current Music: Neil Young - Downtown
|
October 16th, 2005
04:29 pm - Focus, FOCUS!
So I'm sitting at the College, just taking a quick break from studying. I can't seem to focus on a damn thing lately. My head is going back and forth between Rob, friends, roommates, classmates, and that guy I hate to keep mentioning. I fucking hate this shit. Every single thought BUT homework has infiltrated my mind. I can't read a fucking paragraph without thinking about one of those five things and it sucks.
I mean, how can I take my life back? Can I take it back? And if God exists... please?
Other than that, things are dandy. I have a quiz tomorrow, and not to mention work. I must be fucking crazy to take on another shift at work. I have 10 hours already with a full course load. Not to mention having other extracurricular obligations to tend to every week.
So really, this is just an opportunity for me to bitch. Self-criticism. I hate it. lol
Speaking of criticism... I'm so sick of this one group thats always talking in my sociology class. I mean, I like that they're so intelligent and funny and charming and all that, but they just dominate class discussion. It sickens me.
I mean, let's be honest. I'm rather jealous of them. They've all been granted exceptional conversational skills and use skillful humour, and not to mention are well versed in discourse on society. But the truth of the matter is that I didn't take the class to hear one group of people speak with the instructor. If I wanted to do that sick shit, I would have paid my classmates and my instructor to have a big meeting in his office so I can hear them talk and be one big group of elite assholes.
To be fair, I don't think that is what this little group set out to do. Randy is a great instructor and he's also very objective in his classroom teaching. But I just want them to shut the fuck up and hear other people talk for a while.
Perhaps, it takes a little bit of coercion. I am one faithful proponent of the conflict perspective (this semester at least), and I believe that in order for some people to alter their conduct, we must not rely on their ethics to magically change for us. Morals are such an abstract and hard-to-define thing. In order to change behaviour, we must give people a reason to change their behaviour.
I'm pretty tactless sometimes, so you might have to give me some suggestions. I don't need any haters. lol
Current Mood: Annoyed
Current Music: None today - I'm in the 2602 Computer Lab
|
September 29th, 2005
10:50 pm - Again, People Are Incredible.
So lately I've been having 'personnel' problems.
Why must this world squeeze the innocence, the youthful twinkle from my eye? Dammit, I am sick of it.
So I have this sneaking suspicion that my friend Rob and/or that other devilish character are up to something. My friend Rob kept asking me invasive questions on tuesday, questions about Jeff and what the sex was like, and why won't I just be mad at him, and all of this.
I can't figure it out: is Rob only trying to get laid? Wtf is Jeff trying to prove? Wtf is Rob trying to prove? Why is Rob lying to me so much? And why is he such a fuckin sac?
Why is he trying to tell me that he doesn't like Jeff because of 'what he did' to me? Why is he telling me that Jeff's 'done it' to another girl? And then why does he hint about getting some action? I have enough problems of my own, and I don't need anybody else's.
If you ask me, they're both fucked, and I would probably be better off if they were both kidnapped and shot out of a cannon into an unidentified abyss. Then I could carry on and be undisturbed in my studies.
Yeah, that wasn't vicious at all. lol
Anyway, I really do not like to hate people. I just cannot hate them. But it's starting to seriously irritate me. I don't like being put into a situation where I have to ask whether people are up to no freaking good, and whether it might be something that will threaten my peace.
I want these problems gone.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/confused.gif) confused
|
September 26th, 2005
09:46 pm
I have to write a paper, but I had to take a break and say how fucked up I think people are sometimes.
I hate being fucking lied to, and I hate that it's taken me this long to figure out what a fucking hypocrite this asshole Jeff is. I mean what the fuck? "If you'll endure me..." How about if you'll just shut the fuck up and maybe tell the truth sometime you'll actually have someone with some sense of dignity know you're actually not full of shit. But you are! What a lose-lose situation.
Sure, I was really fucking stupid for believing that there could be something there. I was really fucking stupid for not hearing him when he said that he didn't know what he wanted out of a relationship. No expectations. I honestly and earnestly admit that I made myself believe something that wasn't true.
I just don't want this shit in my life anymore. I want to be angry, get it over with, and be like, see ya.
I'm the type of person to have hope for people, but fuck if I'll be waiting around for something that's not gonna happen. I've done it in days past, but this shit isn't worth it.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/angry.gif) aggravated
|
September 24th, 2005
12:54 pm - What's up, fuckers?
So hey, I'm back in school, working, being busy all the time. I'm in the middle of writing a paper that's due in 3 days, but I decided that it's time for a public service announcement from Kimmie.
So anyway, I got my job back from the Farside, the bar and grill on campus. I got fired last semester (which I lied to Charlene about, because I wasn't ever sure that she would or would not tell my employer about - I'm sorry!), and would you believe it, they hired me back!
I make minimum wage at least, so I have to go and check with my boss about what my wage is. I heard it went up to $7/hr, from $6.50/hr last year.
Anyway, I have these incredible classes that I feel really passionate about. I'm so lucky this year. Last year I couldn't give a shit about sociology, and I was in a sociology class, but I have the right instructor and the right material to learn. I'm exercising my voice and it feels really good. I still feel like an idiot sometimes, but I realize that I have to do things like this if I'm ever gonna be a confident person some day. I've said some prejudiced things, done some awful things, been a complete asshole, etc. in my life, but somehow I still like myself. Isn't that cool?
My next personal project is learning how to be confident in myself when dealing with other people. It seems that my problem is looking beyond my own fears; I see what I feel, and I keep myself back because I feel like a sub-par human being.
I kinda feel like I'm getting kinda old to be learning about this shit, and that maybe I'll always be bit of an anti-social person, and all that, but I won't accept that as an answer. I do have hope for people.
I hate to make eye contact because it feels wrong and I feel like people will see who I am. And believe, like I do sometimes, that I'm shit. I mean, that's okay. What doesn't make sense is that I don't let people know who I am, then they don't particularly have any use for me anyway.
I like attention. I like it when the class laughs at what I say. I like it when I say something smart in class, and I like it when I charm people. It makes me feel good about myself. But I have this nagging feeling that I could become overly confident and egotistical.
Sometimes I feel like, if I was just confident and open about who I am, and I learned how to communicate better with people, that I would be liked more, and I could have better friendships. I hate being someone who appears inaccessible. I like lots of people, but I find that I can't bring myself to feel confident around them, because I feel like such a loser. By cutting myself off, by being afraid, I make myself a loser. That's all. The rest of me is flawed, and beautiful and complex and controversial and hard to understand and insightful and all that stuff.
I want to keep talking, using my voice, and seeing with my eyes, the people that surround me. I want things from certain people sometimes, and that desire encompasses all the interactions that sharpen and change myself and everybody else.
If I knew what you hated and despised, and felt like I represented, I would not look at you or talk to you for fear of being identified. I don't want to hide anymore. I want to know who I am, and assert myself.
Current Mood: loved
Current Music: Audioslave - Doesn't Remind Me
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
kimmite's journal