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June 12th, 2006
06:42 pm - I Feel Rivers Overflowing
So this might not be something new, but I'm really bored lately. I stopped partying, and I'll be damned if I'm bored out of my skull.
I really can't live a normal existence. Some people might ask, "what is normal?"
I'll tell you: It's waking up, then going to work, then going home, then having dinner, then perhaps doing something to unwind, then going to sleep and then doing it all over again.
I can't do it. I swear to God I can't do it.
Oh fuck. I'm missing Game 4. I think it's a bloody miracle that the Oilers have made it this far in the playoffs.
Anyway, just to update: things at the Farside are going fine. I have had a wonderful time serving all these wonderful men (yeah I've doted on a few of them, but whatever).
Hey I gotta roll. See ya.
Current Location: Liberry Information Common, Red Deer College
Current Mood:  okay
Current Music: Hard To Handle - The Black Crowes
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April 20th, 2006
04:04 pm - Alcohol Out. Weed In?
It's been quite a while since I've had the time to write in my blog. But here I am.
Things have been going along swimmingly. I suppose. I'm finishing up exams and staying sober. It's been lovely.
Except for the time when I got wasted for the last day of classes and tried to molest a male coworker. I was so humiliated that I almost moved home over the whole thing. But I ended up just getting over it and sticking around.
I have an exam tonight, which I don't think I'm ready for, then I'm going out with a bunch of people to celebrate... Thursday? I'm not exactly sure. But I want to exercise some restraint, because I've realized that I can't be 30 and still drinking like a teenager.
Man, I can't believe I'm 24. Those numbers always seem way off when you're busy living. Then, bam! It hits you. I sure feel it in my back, that's for sure. I don't know if I just never treated it right, but it feels fucked these days. Could have been that week I spent sleeping on my sister's couch watching tv. lol And smoking weed.
Oh yeah, that was supposed to be my new thing. I forsook (yeah, that's proper english) alcohol and tried to take up weed, but I couldn't do it. I once told my friend Justin that I just couldn't smoke that shit and that still holds true. I just can't smoke it. And when I do it properly, it just makes me feel tired. The first day I went to visit back home, I fell asleep at 5:30pm and woke up at 11am the next day. Does something sound wrong there? Yeah, I thought so too.
Not only does it fack me up, but I don't trip like other people do. I mostly just burn out or zone out, but I never hallucinate like other people do. I was ripped off.
We were driving and smoking weed in the country (Me, Auntie Bea and Unkle Emery (that's my sister and her man)), and drove through this massive dip in the road (it was like sudden 12 foot drop), and they were like 'WHOA!,' and I was like, 'whoa.' :|. I just didn't feel freaked out or anything. I think that people are supposed to have some kind of frantic reaction to things like that. I just didn't care that much.
So anyway, my pothead days are over. I think it lasted about 3 days. lol But seriously, I just can't do it. But my quest to find a replacement for alcohol continues.
Current Mood: Alright
Current Music: Say You Will - Fleetwood Mac
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February 24th, 2006
12:10 am - Fack!
So, it's midnight. I'm really fucking stressed out, and I'm just wondering what my options are for school right now.
I'm not totally bombing anything as of yet, but it's getting pretty damn close. I have a paper, which is supposed to be no more than 15 pages (yeah right) due next friday, and I haven't finished my reading yet. I feel like that's not gonna happen.
I have a paper that was due in January (time flies when you're having rum), and I'm having a fucking hard time finishing that shit. I started reading my stuff a hell of a long time ago, and I've concluded that I just don't know how to write a paper, without taking a fucking century to write it.
I have a few papers coming up, and I just can't stand this shit anymore.
So I have a plan. Instead of dropping out of school and completely losing my funding, I'll just drop Tobias' class and then retain what little of my sanity is left. It all works out for the best. I don't go apeshit, the band still gives me money, and nobody gets hurt.
The only problem with this plan (maybe you knew that was coming) is that I won't be a full time student, and my band only funds full time students. But I think I've already decided in my head that I'm going to take a risk and hope that the band won't find out. Then next year, I'll either take a break (this is really driving me insane), or just do one class or something. I've been at this for a while, and I need a mental holiday.
So there you go. I hate to say this, because it's so hackneyed, but catharsis is good.
I just realized something. Maybe I'm not ready to take my education to the next level. I've been hitting a wall for a few years now. I'll keep my fingers crossed and hope that this is just a little lesson for me to take it slow and not try to do it all at once.
Wish me luck.
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February 18th, 2006
03:26 am - HOLY FUCKING GOD!!!!
OH my god.
I just had one of the craziest nights ever.
I was supposed to meet a friend of mine (who is in the social work program at RDC) for this fundraiser that their society was having. I ended up getting drunk, and I hung out with this guy Patrick (Ruple... sp?) for a few hours.
Long story short, we ended up holding hands and hugging, and I think that I really like him so far.
It's wierd, I've only talked to him maybe a few times, and he's shyed away from me. So I stopped talking to him.
But today I ended up sitting with Rob (I have a class with him) and his friends, and Patrick was sitting there. So when I sat down, we started talking. But we ended up hanging out with each other from about 6pm to maybe 11:30pm, when Charmaine picked us up from the college with her boyfriend James.
We just ended up watching people around us. We talked a lot, but I felt really comfortable just being quiet and watching the hustle and bustle around us. We commented on a lot, but it was so nice to just sit there with somebody who appreciated silence as much as I do. It felt so nice, I can't tell you.
I guess what really intrigues me is that he's quiet like me. When I really like someone, I hardly ever show it. I get really insecure, and I hide it. I hide it as long as possible. Sometimes, that's as long as I know the person.
And I've talked with him before, but we've always stopped talking. We don't really acknowledge each other, except when he orders a poutine or a cheeseburger. Which, I happily accept! lol
I don't really know what's gonna happen. I'm perfectly aware of the possibility that once we see each other sober, we'll be like, avoiding each other, but it's okay. I guess I'll have to recognize the reality of things, and grow up some time.
Guess we'll see how it goes.
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February 14th, 2006
04:13 pm - Best Weekend Ever!
I'm still dancing to the songs I heard.
I decided a few weeks ago that I would go and visit my friend Justin last friday (which almost didn't happen... damned sisters).
Note: Songs to download
Coheed and Cambria - Blood Red Summer
Dolly Parton 9 to 5
Scissor Sisters - Take Your Mama Out
Depeche Mode - Enjoy the Silence
Goo Goo Dolls - Give A Little Bit
The weekend basically consisted of getting off the bus, drinking, eating a muffin here and there, and getting back on the bus. I had such a blast. All we did was drink, watch a movie, socialize with people like BJ, John, Steve, Belinda, Darren, Alan, Gary, Char Carey (love that kid), and probably a whole bunch of others. I got pretty hammered the first night.
Oh I forgot to mention Joe. That's Justin's awesome roommate-extraordinaire.
And I must mention, if you're in Calgary, you have to check out the Ship & Anchor. And the Texas Lounge.
Anywho, I have to roll. But before I go I just have to give a shout out to my buddy Justin. Good times.
Caio!
Current Mood:  content
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February 8th, 2006
11:43 pm - "Always look on the bright side of life"
Oh, you're fucking kidding me!
I just wrote out this huge entry, and there it ain't. Don't you hate it when you do that?
Anyway, I basically said that life is boring for me right now. I'm not close with Charmaine anymore, which is a good and a bad thing. Our values are so different, but I'm pretty bored with myself.
How does that happen? I'm so bored being by myself that I hate it. I don't look forward to coming home b/c it sucks here. It's like I'm by myself all the time.
I think I've just become disillusioned with the wonder in myself.
Which is alright. I can't always be in love with myself.
It's like I went from preferring to be alone all the time to not wanting to be alone at all. Which is why being in Elk Point nearly killed me. I never used to be this way about spending time alone.
I'm so looking forward to visiting Justin in Calgary this weekend. We're going to the Ship & Anchor, and I'm going in my loveliest dress. So that will be a nice treat. As well, I get to see Char Carey, my guardian angel from my stint in Elk Point. She's meeting us at the Ship & Anchor on saturday. Oh, I can't wait. It's gonna be fucking awesome.
Anyway, here I go on my little journey. To obtain something significant in my life.
I think a part of me misses what I used to have. I once had something wonderful in my life. I had a sense of wonder, I had love and affection, and I had my Mosom. I had some groundedness.
If my old lot, sitting woman, had any bearing on my future life, I really wish for that to be actualized now. Because I find that without any source of ideological providence, I become more and more alienated from my life. And it sucks.
So, here goes nothin.
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January 16th, 2006
12:38 am - I'm hung up on you
So here I am. Sitting up late. It's monday morning before 1am and I can't sleep.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I want to get over that shit with Jeff already.
I was thinking about how Doug and I are friends now. We don't chat all the time or anything, but it's been long enough that he and I are friendly and there's no hard feelings between us.
I guess what makes me say this about Jeff is that I keep seeing him all the time now at the college. And all this crap happened months ago now, and I've spent time being mad at him. All I want is to move on.
I truly appreciate that Doug and I are friends now.
I also appreciate that I've learned shit about myself through all of this. I've learned that I don't really have a great outlook on life, but I still want to live. I don't really believe in God or anything. I love being the centre of attention in a good way. I love being good to people, and spending time with them, but I don't really empathize with them all that well.
I also cling to people and I often play a subordinate role. I align my values with other peoples values, mostly at the cost of my own.
Anyway, back to the point. I want to let this go already. I know he has. Which is great. But I want it for myself.
Caio, babies. lol
Oh yeah, I want to give a shout out to my sister's baby Avery. She had open heart surgery when she was born and they weren't sure she would make it. She turned 1 on Friday. Her little heart took a lickin but kept on tickin. That's my girl.
Current Mood: Who Knows
Current Music: Madonna - Hung Up
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January 10th, 2006
06:43 am - Wierdness, Indeed.
I just woke up 15 minutes ago, and I had some freaky ass dreams (I just had a thought... am I going to talk like this when i'm 60?). The first part saw me holding on to some kind of bar lifting me over wetaskiwin and flying to this beautiful island area. I saw a few islands and it was some of most beautiful things I've seen in dreams. The water was clear and clean and I could see the light reflecting from the ripples. The islands were green and full of life.
I found myself going somewhere with a bunch of people. Like on a trip.
Then later on in my dream I found myself walking in this town. Then I saw someone who was Jeff (but different... not really him) with his best friend. We walked past each other, then we ended up both looking at each other. I sat down on a door step, then he came up and talked to me. He said something about me looking good. And we were flirting. I felt a mega attraction to him. Then we ended up spending what seemed like only moments together. Then he was gone from my life again. I couldn't find him no matter where I looked.
And in the end, I ended up being with a woman. She was beautiful, but I ended up looking for him still. I was looking around in a shop, and I carved a word in broken glass. I wish I remember what it was, but I can't.
Then I woke up. At six-thirty again.
Crazy shit huh?
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January 8th, 2006
03:25 am - I thought this was really funny...
Oh hey pfefferneusse, I borrowed your quiz idea. This one made me laugh.
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02:31 am - You're Going To Be A Lady Some Day
I can't sleep.
So I decided I would tell you my thoughts on the upcoming election. Or at least, the effects of the governing powers perpetuating a system in need of structural changes.
I'm a native girl. I'm sure you know that by now.
I really hate this relationship that Canada has with it's first nations groups. For myself, I don't really want us to be seen as any better, or have any more privileges, than anyone else. I want equality. I want to be able to someday see a native leader at the top or at least the possibility for one to come into power.
By keeping our first nations people on reserves and giving them marginal positions in society, we keep them in a position to be ignorant of how the rest of the country operates. I don't ask for assimilation, I just ask for the possibility that first nations people be allowed the same opportunities to prosper, but also to retain as much of their culture as possible.
That's such a fucking hard problem to solve, but time will provide us with different possibilities.
I guess my real thoughts on the upcoming federal election are such as this: we need to vote. If we really would like to see changes, we have to put our two cents in. Sometimes, our vote doesn't amount to much, especially when we would truly like to see the underdogs win, but it is a childish notion to want only immediate change, or attempt for none at all. So it takes time to change things. It's true: the liberals have been in power, in some form or another, since the late 1890s, but, and I can say this seriously, it's hardly any reason to feel alienated from the election process. It takes a lot of burning (figuratively of course... don't go burning any candidate's houses) to change things. And if you do nothing, nothing will change. Simple as that. So what we fail sometimes. If we won all the time, we'd shoot ourselves. Because there would be nothing to learn and nothing to aim for.
Vote. Your future and your children's future depends on it.
Current Mood: determined
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kimmite's journal
